Unlearning My Inner Critic
The 6-phase framework I used to shift my limiting beliefs and coming back to my own truth
In my last article, I shared how I came to realize that the reason I kept feeling “I don’t really know anything.” was because I had been measuring myself against the wrong benchmark all along. And this internal benchmark (reference point) have kept me small.
Once I saw it clearly, I wanted to shift it - not just in my brain, but deep in my body, my language, and how I lived.
So today, I want to share the 6-phase framework I used to unlearn my inner critic.
Why this matters
A coach once told me:
“Every tendency is informed by a set of assumptions. And those assumptions come from the reference points we’ve picked up in life.”
If we want true transformation, we can’t just focus on changing surface behaviors. That only creates temporary change - and eventually, we fall back into old patterns. When that happens, we often blame ourselves for lacking discipline, and the cycle repeats. We become even harsher on ourselves.
I’ve been there. I know that place very deeply.
The 6-Phase Framework I Use
I didn’t start with a fixed method. But after going through this process a few times - both on my own and with the help of AI - I began to notice a rhythm. So I turned it into a framework that I now return to whenever something feels “off.”
Step 1: Aware - Name What Feels Off
Becoming aware of a limiting belief isn’t always straightforward - especially when it’s been with you for a long time.
But every shift starts with honesty. Brutal honesty.
Ask yourself:
What is holding me back?
Where in my life do I feel anxious, defensive, ashamed, drained, or uneasy?
What keeps triggering me - even when it seems small?
What kind of positive feedback makes me uncomfortable or hard to accept?
For me, it was this repeating thought: “I always feel like I know nothing. I feel weird when people see me as capable.”
Step 2: Trace - Unpack the Pattern
After identifying the pattern, choose one and start digging into it deeper and deeper. Keep asking yourself deeper questions:
Who am I comparing myself to?
Why am I like this? Where did it come from?
What is the silent standard I’m holding myself to?
Is this a recurring theme in my life?
Here’s what I uncovered: “Why do I feel like I don’t know anything?” → “Because I don’t sound like an expert.” → “Who is this ‘expert’?” → “World-class experts.”
That was the hidden benchmark: world-class performance - or it doesn’t count.
Step 3: Name the Reference Point
Once the belief is visible, you can work with it.
Naming the belief gives it shape. Now it’s not just a shadow - it’s something you can work with.
My internal rule was:
“My benchmark for ‘knowing something’ is the top global experts. Unless I sound like them, I don’t believe I know anything.”
Even when I knew a lot, I would discount myself - because I wasn’t operating at that level.
Step 4: Feel the Impact
This was the hardest part for me - but also the most important.
I had spent years numbing my emotions to keep functioning. I was taught that being “emotional” wasn’t okay. But over the years, I’ve realized that real transformation doesn’t happen in the mind. It happens when we allow ourselves to feel.
Ask yourself:
What emotions come up when I believe this reference point?
How does this belief shape how I treat myself?
How does it affect my relationships or my work?
When I sat with the belief, I felt: Shame. Guilt. Sadness. A heavy weight on my chest - like I had been unfairly hard on myself for years without even knowing it.
A coach once told me:
“If you can’t name the emotion, just feel it. Let it flow through you, just observe. That’s enough.”
Step 5: Shift to a New Reference Point
To break the loop of a belief that no longer serves us, we need to choose new ones that really empower and support us.
Ask yourself:
Is this belief true, useful, or kind?
Can I choose a new benchmark that’s more human, more loving, and more realistic for me?
What reference point would support my growth with more ease?
What reference point would serve me better now?
After sitting with the emotions, I asked:
“What if I don’t need to be an expert to have something meaningful to say?”
I thought about the people I admire - not just for their knowledge, but for their heart, presence, and clarity. Most of them don’t speak like “experts.” They speak like humans.
I also asked myself:
“Compared to everyone in the world, where do I actually stand?”, “Is there anyone I personally know and respect who’s more similar to me?”
Once I got the answers, I felt a sense of relief. It gave me space to breathe again.
Step 6: Anchor - Start Living the New Story
Shifting the belief is one thing. Living it takes practice.
I started setting up some small rituals to intentionally shift my language and behaviors.
One of them was telling myself: “I don’t need to always improve. I just need to start seeing myself more clearly.”
Simple rituals that helped me anchor the shift:
Saying the new belief out loud each morning
Noticing when the old belief shows up - and pausing gently
Journaling one small “win” that affirms the new reference point
🧘♀️ A Gentle Prompt for You
If any of this resonates, here’s something to sit with:
Where in your life do you feel “not enough” - and who might you be comparing yourself to without even realizing it?
There’s no need to fix anything right now.
Just notice.
Awareness is where the shift begins.
Thanks for reading through it! I’m writing about the next part - how I did this practice with AI to co-explore and shift my inner critic and limiting beliefs. Stay tuned if you’re interested to learn how I did it.
Take care,
Mei Ling